The First Time I Lied
by slashysecrets
Summary: Duo lies to Heero about his love... But the charade may not last long.
1. Default Chapter

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The first time I lied

I run, I hide, but I never lie. That was my slogan. Then I met you. You stirred things in me that I thought I'd left behind, thought I would never feel again. 

The moment I saw you, I knew. My life could never be the same. You stood there holding a gun at a young girl and I thought 'What is this guy doing?!' But in the split second after a raised my gun and before I fired, I took a second look and my stomach flipped. You were beautiful. There was no other word for it. So at the last possible second, I pulled my shot, only hit you in the shoulder instead of killing you. 

After I got to know you a bit and the five of us gundam pilots became partners, I was captivated by you. You were an enigma, an impossibly hard to crack stone, but I was determined to make you open up to me. Of course, it didn't work. You remained as distant as ever, no matter what I did. You were more involved with your laptop than the human world.

But then there came the day when you opened up a little. No one else noticed, but I was watching you when you did it. You laughed. It was the first time I'd ever heard you laugh, and my heart rose to new heights. I was flying on that laugh. But then your guard rose again and it was like it had never happened.

I was in love with you by that time. At first it had just been curiosity, mixed with a teensy bit of lust, but the more I saw of you, the more I wanted to see. I wanted to look into your eyes forever and see your soul. The few glimpses I got weren't enough to satisfy me. They just teased my appetite and made it sharper.

The others slowly began to guess about my feelings toward you, and I never denied it to them. I wouldn't lie. But I never admitted them either. Then one day, they got it into their heads to leave us alone. All day. In a one room cabin. I was about to go insane, but you just sat there with your laptop, typing away. Finally, I started bugging you. It was the only thing I could think of to do. I like bugging people.

At last you turned to me and said the typical, "Omae o korosu."

I ignored you. It was silly, really, but I had the feeling that if I stopped being silly for a minute, I would start being sappy. And it wouldn't be long before you found out how I felt about you. I couldn't allow that. There was no way you would feel the same, and I wasn't about to ruin our tentative friendship for that.

That was the way the rest of the day went, except you eventually gave up on the "Omae o korosu," and just started giving me the patented death glare. Until I broke. I was quiet for maybe five minutes. 

"Heero, have you ever been in love?" Oh, God. I was so dead. What the hell was I thinking, asking a question like that? But I had to follow through.

You didn't answer me.

"Heero? Did you hear me?"

"Yes, Duo, I heard you." You sounded almost sincere. And you used my name in a sentence that wasn't 'Duo no baka.' And strung more than three words together. It was scary, but I kept going.

"With who?"

"That's none of your business. Go away, Duo."

That was the end of our conversation for the day. I sat still for a long while, for me, before the others came back to find you on your laptop and me staring at the door half an hour later. They glanced around suspiciously, but didn't comment. 

Things went on like always for a while after that, until the next time we were left alone, about a month later. We were rooming together, and I couldn't sleep. Of course, you weren't sleeping, so I started annoying you. Then I started feeling that sappy thing coming on again and decided that I was better off counting sheep.

I lay there for a long time, until you climbed into the bed across the room and tried to sleep as well. I could tell you weren't asleep, and I couldn't stop myself anymore.

"Heero? Who are you in love with?"

Of course you ignored me. You always did. But I persisted.

"Heero? Why can't you tell me?"

"Duo, shut up. For once in your life, just shut up."

I could tell you didn't want to talk anymore. But I kept on.

"Heero, I wouldn't tell anyone." 

"Baka, it's not who you would tell, it's that you would know. Now go to sleep." Great, I was back at baka.

"I'm in love with someone, Heero. And if you asked, I would tell you." Oh, now I was in deep shit. I had promised myself I wouldn't tell you, and there I go, telling you I would, if you asked.

"Okay. Who is it?" And you had to be in a talkative mood. I panicked.

"It's… it's… Heero, you weren't supposed to ask!"

"But I did. Now tell me, or else you'll have lied to me." You knew how important my honesty was to me. But saving my friendship with you was more important. So I did something I'd never done before.

"It's… Wufei." I knew you knew I was lying, and I felt horrible for having done it at all. But it was out and there was no way I was gonna be able to stop this now. You sat up in your bed and I saw the most sincere expression I'd ever seen on you. And you looked sad. Sad, because I had lied to you. And then I knew it was over. 

You lay back down and turned away from me. I didn't even try to get anything else out of you. There was no way to regain your trust now.

The next few days were horrible. It was like the lie had left a bad taste in my mouth, and there was no way to wash it out. I prayed for forgiveness, I confessed to a priest, worked hard to do everything right and never once considered lying again, but still the taste was there. That feeling that I would never be clean again. At last I decided to talk to Trowa. 

It was weird, most people felt more comfortable with Quatre, but I liked talking with Trowa. He would never tell a secret, because he barely ever talked anyway. And he had a way of giving good advice just by rewording what you said. And I guess he was easy to talk to because he was a lot like you. It was like having you in a different body and willing to talk with me. Not really, not at all, but I liked to pretend. It was the only thing I could do.

"So I lied to him because I didn't want him to know! And now I feel horrible, it's like I'll never be clean again." Trowa thought for a moment.

"Duo, your religion teaches that you have to confess your wrongs, correct?"

"Yes, but I told you, I did that already!"

"But who are you supposed to confess to, Duo? Just some random priest who probably doesn't care? Me?"

"Well, who else am I supposed to confess to?" I didn't want to hear Trowa's answer because I was pretty sure what it would be, but I heard it anyhow.

"What if you confessed to the person you wronged?"

"But I can't tell Heero! He'll know I lied to him, and he'll figure out why, and then our friendship will be ruined!"

"Didn't you say you thought he already knew you had lied? Your friendship is still the same as always, isn't it?"

"Yes, but maybe he's just waiting for me to admit it! The he'll hate me!"

"I do not think he will hate you. Now go, before you decide my advice is completely worthless."

I went quietly back to my room. I wanted to think about this before I told Heero. What if he hated me? I didn't think I could take that. What if he didn't care and let me down gently? That would be even worse. After about five minutes of quiet, I couldn't stand it anymore. I ran across the hall to see Heero coming out of his room.

"Heero, I need to talk to you!"

"Hn."

"Can we go in your room?"

"Hn." You turned and went in. I followed cautiously. You didn't sound like you were in a very good mood.

You sat down in front of your laptop and started typing, so I situated myself on your bed, careful not to disturb the sheets that were folded down with military precision.

"Heero? Could you please turn around? I have something serious to say." Surprisingly, you did as I asked. You stared at me, not the normal death glare, just staring, like you were trying to figure something out.

Finally I couldn't stand the silence. I had to say what I came here to say. "Heero, I lied to you the other night. I'm not in love with Wufei."

"I know." You took the news very calmly, then turned back to your laptop as if our conversation was over.

"Aren't you mad?"

"No."

"Do you want to know why I lied?"

"No."

"Do you want to know who I'm really in love with?" You didn't respond for a minute or two, but at last you said, "No. Go away, Duo."

So I left. I know, I know. I should have stayed and told you. But you didn't ask and I didn't really want to tell you. I was relieved. I was certain that the bad feeling I had would go away now that I had confessed. A day later, I was back with Trowa.

"I told him Trowa! And I still feel horrible!"

"What did you tell him? The truth?

"I told him that I had lied, and he said he already knew, and that he wasn't mad."

"Did you apologize? Or ask him to forgive you? Or did you simply say, 'Heero, I lied to you.'?"

"Oh. So I still need to apologize?"

"Yes."

"Okay, well, I'll go do it then! See ya later buddy!"

"Okay. But Duo?"

"Yeah?"

"It might be better if you told him the truth. The whole truth."

"You mean, tell him how I feel? No, I can't. He'll hate me!"

"All right then, don't. That is just my opinion. You are not obligated to follow my advice."

I meandered slowly back towards your room. I knew Trowa was right, that I should tell you how I felt. But I couldn't. I knew that you wouldn't like it, that you would hate me. And if I ever saw hate directed at me through those piercing cobalt eyes of yours, I would die. Just… die, whether it was from the power of your gaze, or my own broken heart.

"Heero? Can I come in?"

"Hn." It was a yes.

I slowly opened the door far enough to slip in, and was surprised to see you sitting on your bed, which was _not_ made up, with a book and not your precious laptop. I was momentarily taken aback, but told myself that maybe this was a good sign.

"Um, I wanted to tell you… I'm sorry. For lying to you."

"Hn." You were immersed in your book. 

"Heero? Can you… forgive me?"

"Hn." It was a yes, but not a definite one.

"Heero! Please, say you've forgiven me? I just need to hear the words."

"Why?"

"Because…" This was my chance to tell you. But I just couldn't. So I did as I always did. Told only part of the truth. "Because I feel horrible. It's like I can't get clean until you've forgiven me."

"I forgive you." Part of me rejoiced to hear those words, but the way you said them was wrong, so monotone and uncaring, like they were a dismissal.

"Heero, what's wrong? Do you hate me now?" There it was again, an entrance for my admission. But I didn't take it.

"No, Duo. I don't hate you." You sounded so sad, but it was like you were hiding something. I acted on instinct, walking over and gently removing the book from your hands, getting rid of all distractions.

"Please Heero, tell me what's wrong?" 

It was like watching a wall crumble, only to see the tape rewound and your mask going back up. (A/N: Look at the pretty mixed metaphor!)

"I want to know the truth Duo. About… about who you love." The emotion I heard behind those words didn't show on your face, and I hesitated. I was certain this would end badly if I told you it was you. But I couldn't lie again.

"You." I whispered so quietly that I could see you straining to catch my words. 

"Duo, I can't hear you. Just tell me, would you?"

"It's you." This time I spoke firmly, though still so quiet you barely heard, and with the barest edge of a question in my tone. Louder I repeated, "I love you, Heero." Then I waited for the bomb to drop, for you to yell, tell me to get out. For you to look at me and hate what you saw.

But then you looked into my eyes and I nearly gasped in surprise, because I hadn't expected to see you look at me that way. It was almost like you… cared. Maybe even… loved me too. I saw the mask being prepared almost at the same moment it slid into place, and your eyes went vacant as ever again, and I acted quickly. I couldn't let my chance slip away.

You looked surprised when I grabbed your hand, and even more surprised when I sat down on the bed beside you.

"Heero, I need to know… how you feel about me. You can't just say you love someone and not have them respond. Even… even having you hate me would be better than not knowing how you feel when you know how I do." I could see the struggle behind your steady gaze, knew you were having conflicting emotions, and there was nothing I could do about it. I could only pray you would give me a chance, and remind you I was there. So I prayed harder than ever before, and squeezed your hand a little. After what seemed like forever, I saw you eyes begin to shine with tears.

When the first of the tears escaped, you flinched. I had never seen you cry, and it hurt me to know I had caused it. I had never felt this way before, like I wanted to fix everything, take away whatever was hurting you, and it hurt that I couldn't. I raised a hand to wipe the tear away, and softly whispered your name.

"Heero? Do you want me to leave? I don't want to, but I will." You didn't respond, just tore your gaze away from mine as if you were ashamed.

"It's okay to cry, Heero. You've seen me do it lots of times, right?" And you had. I had cried myself to sleep with you sitting nearby on your laptop more than once after a battle, when the weight of all the death I caused became too much. You whispered a reply, but it was so caught up in sobs that I didn't understand you.

"What?"

"I said that I'm supposed to be the strong one. I never cry."

"Heero, being strong doesn't mean you never show any emotion! Emotion isn't a weakness, it's a strength. Without it you're not human. And…and… I love you, because you are human." This may not have been the greatest time to bring up the 'love' subject, but whoever said I was tactful?

"Duo, do you really mean that? Or are you just using me?" Suddenly I knew that you had somehow been used in the past, or had been told you would be. And I had to find a way to show you that I was not, would never, use you.

I took both of your hands in mine and stood up, slowly, bringing you with me. You looked at me with a fear in your eyes greater than that I had ever seen before a battle or mission.

"Heero, I don't lie. Not anymore. I've done it once, and once was enough. I love you, and I would never, ever use you, or treat you like anything but the most precious person in the world to me. I love you." I could see you thinking about what I'd said, and slowly took you into my arms, leaving you to cry on my shoulder. You clung to me like a child, and amidst the sobs and shaking, I heard, and sort of felt, the words that came from your lips, Japanese that I hadn't known I knew until you said it.

"Ai shiteru, Duo."


	2. Heero POV

A/N: Well, I hadn't really been planning on continuing this fic… I was gonna just leave it as it was. But I got to thinking and decided that maybe I could do something else with it. I'm still kinda thinking about where I want this to go, because this plot line is so typical, and I don't want to inadvertently plagiarize something someone has already done. So I decided to do the same thing from Heero's POV. He's probably way OOC… Tell me if he is or not. I haven't seen as much GW as I'd like, so I don't have much basis for comparison. Now, on with the fic!

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I had been watching you for a while before I realized why you had attracted my attention. From the moment you shot me, I knew there was something special about you, but I didn't know what it was. I thought that what I had felt was simple gratitude for pulling your shot, but the feeling didn't go away when I expected it to. It just got stronger the longer I ignored it. I had been trained for nearly all my life to hide or kill my emotions, and I couldn't kill this one, so I hid it as best I could.

I tried to stop feeling the way I did, insulting you and calling you names, cursing you in Japanese. But you were always nice to me, though you sometimes were slightly annoying. I was never as annoyed as I acted though. I sort of thought you were cute, with that long braid hanging down your back and your goofy smile. 

Actually, you were the first person to ever make me laugh with that goofy grin and silly sense of humor. You told a joke, and I actually understood it and thought it was funny. You were the first person to ever tell a joke I thought was funny without being corny. I don't even remember what it was, but I do remember the look on your face right afterward. I'll never forget it, so carefree and loving- though at the time I thought it was just love for life or fun or something stupid like that. It was a long time later when I realized I had never laughed with you before that, and I didn't do it again for quite a while afterwards either.

Then came that day when the other pilots decided that they should leave the two of us alone all day in that cabin. You were your usual cute, slightly annoying self, and I was wrestling with myself. By that time I had decided I was attracted to you, at least physically, but I wasn't sure if I felt anything past that or not. I never have been very good at analyzing my emotions.

That day was sort of odd for me. I half wanted to throw you down on the bed and ravage you, and half wanted you to take me in your arms and never let me go. Of course I settled for neither, turning to my so-called 'beloved' laptop for comfort instead. 

I was afraid. You seemed nice, but what was really beneath that surface? I could see the way you looked so sad sometimes, how you had cried yourself to sleep at night when you thought no one was listening. I was listening, but I never dared come near you at times like that. I was afraid I would say or do something wrong and ruin my chances with you. I knew that you considered us friends, even if I did act like a bastard towards you sometimes.

When I started feeling like that, I always opened up my laptop and started working, or just typing. I had all kinds of things saved for you on that machine. Letters, pictures, poems- everything I would have ever told you or given you, I put in the laptop instead. Then when I felt like I had to see you and we weren't together, I could just open up a picture of you and type out what I wished our conversation would be.

That's what I was doing that day, writing out one of my 'conversations', trying my best to ignore you, and , I thought, succeeding. Then you said something I hadn't expected.

"Heero, have you ever been in love?" I didn't look up. I didn't dare, or else I would give myself away. I had tears in my eyes, tears of realization. I suddenly knew the answer to that question, and it was yes. I had been in love, I was in love. In love with you. That was what that unidentified feeling was. Love. 

I realized I had been quiet for too long when you ask if I had heard you. I said yes. Unfortunately, you took the, "Yes, Duo, I heard you," as a, "Yes, I've been in love."

When you asked who, I decided not to lie to you. There would be no point in that. Knowing you, you'd try to fix me up with who ever I said, and that was the last thing I wanted from you. But I wasn't about to tell you I loved you either. So I told you to go away as callously as I could manage. I suppose it worked, because you didn't say a word for the rest of the day. I missed your voice, but at least you didn't know I was in love with you.

Then came the time we were rooming together. You had gone to bed hours before I thought it was safe to turn off my laptop and get in my own bed, so I was startled to hear your voice out of the darkness.

"Heero, who are you in love with?"

I ignored you. I wasn't going to answer that question, so I pretended to be asleep.

"Heero, why can't you tell me?" I turned to face the wall opposite you, so I wouldn't have to see your reaction when I told you to shut up. I could never stand to see you upset without feeling a bit sad myself.

You persisted, though at the time I didn't know why. I thought you were just being difficult. 

"Heero, I wouldn't tell anyone."

"Baka, it's not who you would tell, it's that you would know. Now go to sleep." I hoped that calling you an idiot would help, even though at the time I hated calling you that, but you just got more persuasive, offering me a tidbit that was hard to refuse.

"I'm in love with someone, Heero. And if you asked, I would tell you." I couldn't resist.

"Okay, who is it?" I said the words as calmly as I could, but inside I was a knot of nerves, all the while hoping you would say my name, but knowing you wouldn't. No one could ever truly love someone like me.

You freaked out then, not wanting to tell me anything, wishing you hadn't said you would. But I knew you wouldn't lie to me, and I reminded you of the trust I had in you to tell me the truth. You got a scared look on your face and answered almost hesitantly.

"It's… Wufei." I was stopped dead in my tracks. Even if you hadn't been an awful liar, I would have known that was a lie. And I couldn't believe it. You had lied to me. I sat up in shock, and turned to look at you. You looked guilty. Very guilty. I almost said something, then took pity on you and lay back down before I opened my mouth. I slept uneasily that night and I know you did too. I could hear you tossing and turning from the other side of the room. 

We moved again the next day, to a place where we had separate rooms. I couldn't get over the fact that you had lied to me. I knew you hadn't wanted to tell me the truth, but I couldn't believe you had lied. Things were very awkward the next few days. You seemed to be doing everything you could to make it up to me and your God, but nothing helped, for either of us. 

I was afraid to confront you about the lie. I wanted so badly for you to say, "I lied because I was afraid you wouldn't love me too, Heero," but I was afraid there was another reason, though I couldn't think of what it would be.

You came into my room four days later as I was leaving it. I went back inside reluctantly and sat down at my laptop, hoping you would apologize, and wondering if I could accept it. I doubted everything about you since you had lied to me, even though I still loved you.

I had thought the feeling would go away when I stopped trusting you, but it didn't. In fact, it got stronger, because you having this flaw was like having it proven that you weren't a dream. I was afraid you were, sometimes. You were too wonderful to be real. This lie of yours had actually endeared you to me more, although I tried not to think about the reason behind your lie.

There was only one reason I could think of for you to have lied to me, and that's the same reason I didn't tell you who I was in love with… you were in love with me. I was certain that that was the stupidest idea I'd ever had, because there was no way you could love me. I had been told over and over that no one loved me, and if they said they did I should be suspicious because they were only using me. 

When you told me you had lied, I responded as monosyllabically as I could, hoping you would get it over with and go away. You offered to tell me who you were in love with, but I decided not to ask. I didn't want another reason not to trust you. I couldn't handle you lying to me twice.

I was feeling rather depressed the next day, so instead of going to my laptop as usual, I grabbed a book off the shelf and started to read. It really was very interesting and I didn't even notice that it was past lunch-time until you knocked on my door. Your timid "Can I come in?" told me what you wanted before you even walked in.

You looked surprised to see me in bed, which is what made me look at the clock. It was later than I thought. 

You asked me to forgive for lying to you, and I said I had, but kept things as monosyllabic as usual, pretending to be deeply interested in my book. You took me by surprise when you asked me to actually say the words, "I forgive you." You obviously were more distressed by this than I thought. 

I could see the chance for me to tell you how I felt. It would have been easy to say something sentimental or romantic about forgiving you. But I didn't give anything away. I wasn't sure of myself yet, and I wasn't completely sure of you.

When you ask if I hated you, I almost melted. How could I ever hate you? Me hating you would be like saying a snowflake wouldn't melt on a sunny day. You were my source of warmth and I needed you nearby so I wouldn't freeze. (A/N: Hey, no mixed metaphor this time! Yay!)

"Please Heero, tell me what's wrong?" You voice was like an angel's. You sounded so sweet, so caring, that I nearly broke down. I managed to choke out some semblance of a question about who you loved, because I had to know. I was going crazy not knowing.

You whispered the answer to my question so quietly that I couldn't hear you, and I had to ask you to repeat it. You'll never realize how hard it was to ask you that question twice. Then you answered louder and I nearly fell back on the bed I was sitting on hearing the answer.

"You. I love you, Heero." I could hear your uncertainty, and my own uncertainty seemed to overwhelm me. I was so happy, but still I was uncertain. I looked up to see if you were lying, and a tear came to my eye when I saw that you weren't. But still… my old mentor's words came back to me.

"Don't trust people. They'll only hurt you, and the ones who pretend to love you are the worst because they'll play on your weaknesses and not feel sorry at all."

I looked into your eyes, desperately searching for that glint of fraud, but I didn't find it. I nearly gasped when you took my hand and sat down beside me. I couldn't believe you were holding my hand, but I also couldn't believe that you were in love with me. I didn't doubt you because you had lied, though. I doubted you because I could still hear that voice in the back of my mind saying "Don't trust, don't let them trick you." 

You squeezed my hand and I lost it. I looked away in shame when the tears escaped my eyes and flowed down my face. I wasn't crying in front of you, I wasn't. I should have been telling you I loved you too, but instead I was sitting and crying at you. It was embarrassing, and I was sure you would hate me now. But you didn't do anything except wipe a tear away and whisper my name. 

You ask if you should leave, and I must have shook my head, because you just started talking about how crying was okay, and telling me how you had cried, and I shouldn't be ashamed. And I gave up. I sobbed my eyes out, thinking all the while how stupid I must seem to you. But you didn't act like I was stupid. You just held me and let me cry.

I didn't know at the time what was causing me to be do emotional. I was tired and stressed and I was in the situation of my dreams, with your arms around me. But I couldn't stop sobbing. I realized later that I needed that. You knew I did, but it took me a long time to figure it out. I had lived most of my childhood in a war, fighting where I should have been playing, and forced into an adult position when I should have been nurtured into maturity. 

Finally, I asked you whether or not you were using me. I didn't want to accuse you of it, and I didn't want you to be mad at me. I trembled with fear you would reject me after all, but you didn't. You told me something I'll never forget, the only exact words I remember from our entire exchange that day.

"Heero, I don't lie. Not anymore. I've done it once, and once was enough. I love you, and I would never, ever use you, or treat you like anything but the most precious person in the world to me. I love you." Those words were all I needed. I cried for a while longer, and as soon as I could speak clearly again, I said the words I'd been longing to tell you since that day in the cabin, but had been to afraid to utter.

"Ai shiteru."


End file.
